gloomy weekends

I wish the weather would make up its mind in Colorado. One minute it's in the 70s and then we have rain for two days straight and glum following after. I need sunshine, Colorado! Have you not learned a summer without sun can only brings misfortunes? I will give you one more week to get your act together; otherwise we are going to have problems.

School is done! The semester anyway. Professor Sidelko finally posted the grade to our second paper. Another A, woohoo! I tallied up the points and if he rounds up, I will be getting an 89%. I'm pretty sure that's still a B, but MAYBE he will give me wee extra points for participation and attendance? I just really want more As than Bs haha. I already told my mom about how my other finals went and, per usual, she reminded me of my IQ score and how I have all the potential to be an A+ student, I just have to apply myself. Go figure it only took eight years to figure it out. I also received an A on my Tribal Nation paper in Native American Studies, and a B for the presentation. Considering I only received one C and the rest were top grades, I should have a high B if not an A in the class. Literature I will probably just have a B since I did miserable on the mid-term because my mind was worrying about the cut on Chad's arm and the kitten stuck in the ventilation. But I received As on two of my three papers and considering the final focused around Othello and Oedipus Rex, I think I have a solid B in the bag. I will always pride myself on my knowledge of Sophocles and Shakespeare. I've come across too few who have the barest of concepts of the two writers and none come close to appreciating all they've done for the literary world. For history, I feel okay about the final, but realize I messed up on the cumulative essay so I will most likely receive a B in that class as well. Realizing all of this, having it spelled out in front of me, I’m just hoping for one A!

There’s something about “Missing” by Flyleaf that fills me with such emotion. Inspiration, determination, dedication. It’s a short song, only 2:58 but it’s one of the few songs that when it comes on, I shut out the entire world around me and just l_i_s_t_e_n. That doesn’t happen too often anymore. I want to expand my music tastes, but it’s hard to do when you don’t really have friends to tell you about a new song they just heard.

During my four hour lunch yesterday with Sean we focused on friendships. It was a touchy subject for me, naturally, what with not really having friends for the majority of my life, but he reminded me that quantity does not matter. You can have a hundred friends but who will make the effort to stay in touch and remember small details on your life two years later and mention it at a cocktail party? I see Sean perhaps twice a year but we never miss a beat when we’re finally reunited. The same goes with Tiffani. Life happens and we get busy, but we actively make time for one another and everything just happens naturally. These are the friends I’ll have five years from now, the ones who will still be there for me. Why keep wasting so much emotion on friends of habit and convenience? We know it’s only in the moment and if after a little push to keep things going the push it not received back, don’t beat yourself up. Just let it be. It’s really hard for me to do that. I so badly want to be liked and want to inspire people’s lives, but that’s something I simply cannot control.

Then again …

I turned in my work shirts last night. They wanted me to sign a statement that basically says I admit to fraud etc etc etc, and I told Christina, the only manager there at the time, that there was no way I was signing it. Every single employee in that store knows I didn’t commit fraud and I will not sign a statement that says otherwise, regardless of what the computer log says. What are they going to do, fire me again? But as I was talking to Christina in the office about the situation, she suddenly broke down in tears. I had been the longest cashier at the store in a very long time. Most stay three to six months then hit the road. During my time I set up organization systems and just simpler ways to get things done so when we get audited every year, we’re not running around like chickens with our heads chopped off. Now that I’ve been gone a week, everyone’s been noticing all the work I used to do. Christina joked that she kept quipping, “Regina used to take care of that. Regina managed all of that. Things were easier when Regina was here,” and other employees agreed with her. It’s so nice knowing I actually made a difference. I felt so torn, seeing my boss cry, never fully appreciating how much she cares about her workers. I hope we’ll be able to stay in touch in the future.

So I guess there’s that example of affecting other lives. It feels so surreal and I almost think it’s a joke, seeing all of my ever present flaws in everything I do. But perhaps, for once in my life, people see my flaws but look instead at all of the good qualities I offer first. Has that ever actually happened? Will I be able to look at myself without tearing out all of my flaws and insecurities? Will I be able to admire my faults but take more time and effort to polish those things that compliment me and make me such a different person than so many others?

“As the years passed he fell into despair and lost all hope, for who could ever learn to love a beast?”