break my pride

When I'm out of line, your always by my side
And when I fall behind, you pick me up
When I try to climb, feel like I'm losing my mind
You I can always find, you're beautiful

It's been really hard this past week. Lost a friendship, maybe a second. I lost my job. Almost lost my boyfriend. It's like God is testing me, putting me under scrutiny in a way that I never thought I would be prepared for at this age. I thought I was supposed to have proper wisdom and a life behind me before I was asked about it all. But that's just the thing: I should be able to take responsibility for all of my actions, regardless of age. I've been severely neglecting this fact for far too long. I was going to have to deal with it. God just made it that much sooner. I'm not mad. No. Heck, I KNEW it was coming. I knew it. I felt it in my bones, but I didn't try to correct my errors. I just assumed life would continue to carry on. How wrong I was. 

I have an interview on Monday with Starbucks. With open availability for the summer and only being in school Mondays/Wednesdays next semester should work in my favor. I'm just worried about money. I have to make over $9.50 if I'm going to be able to afford moving in July, but I highly doubt a cafe will provide that. I wouldn't be surprised if they only offered $8.00. But beggars can't be choosers and I will take anything that comes my way. I'm trying not to hold on to this possibility of getting a job with my old best friend, working 40 hours an hour at $13+ an hour. Can you imagine? Even if I worked three days a week, it would still be $100+ than Staples in a week. It would earn me $2,000 a month if I had this job. But who knows what qualifications they are looking for. I just have to cross my fingers that I fit and Tiffani can persuade them to hire me. It would make so much easier, but life isn't meant to be easy, is it? I'm just so afraid of becoming my sister, unemployed for months and ruining everyone's life around me. I won't allow myself to fall that far I already know, but if I don't get a job within this next week, I'll only have a single paycheck before the rest of my bills are due. My paycheck next week will be for a measly 6 hour shift. I never go out but the thought of not having a check for three weeks terrifies me. There has to be something out there. Again, I'll take anything. If I work out with Starbucks and they want to pay me $8.00 I'll take it. I'll vie for more because of my two-year experience, but I'll take whatever they will give me. Tips will offer pocket money. I'll keep looking for a better paying job but I won't deny a paycheck.

I can't think too much about this or I'll have a panic attack. That happened Thursday night when the suspension was made official. Yeah sure - technically I have my job, but not for long. Anyway. I can't even risk buying any more anxiety medicine because I don't know how long I'll be without a job.

No, I can't think about any of this right now. I'll allow myself to freak out Thursday after my last final, when my mind no longer has anything to worry about academically. Yes, Thursday I will think more intensely about this. Until then ...