hello.

Lately I haven't been feeling like writing about my life. This whole summer has been ridiculously uneventful in the long run. Sure, Pyruvate had kittens and Chad and I almost broke up, but idk, they're not things I want to remember. The kittens are all gone except for Chewy, and I don't want to think about why Chad and I fought. We made up and we made a plan to work together as a couple, but I'm still so afraid that I screwed things up and that Chad is just waiting for me to mess up again. God, instant tears. But he says he loves me and that we WILL work together on being the best that we can be as well as allowing ourselves to be happy in our own lives. I'm just so afraid of losing him. I had never thought we would break up any time soon but this time ... this time it was scary because it was a possibility just beyond a reach I did not wish to extend to meet. We've been doing great but God, I'm so afraid of living a life without him. Maybe I'm just over thinking it all. It doesn't help that my sister compared me to our mother's current marriage. I don't want to follow in her footsteps. I never will allow that. I will never again be in an unhealthy relationship. I wish she hadn't said that. That's where my fear came from. It made me think of my mom and of Mike and how badly he hurt me and how pathetic of a person I became because of him. It's been over three years since we broke up and I still hate him. Again, I will never allow that to happen. But we had to think. If we ever get into an argument that escalates like any of the others, we must take it as a sign. I pray we never get back there. I want to go forward and have a life with him and eventually a family. I want a forty-year anniversary and not to be afraid of what the future brings.

This is why I have not posted anything. Because every time I try to, I end up in tears.

Let's keep going.

School has started up again. I'm taking fifteen credits and boy is it going to be rough. I won't have any off days whatsoever and will have to simply keep reading and taking notes for every class every chance I get. Tonight will be dedicated to Oceanography. I like my classes, but they're not fantastic. I'm tired of teachers having a bias or simply being assholes. I am paying YOU to teach me what you're supposed to be an expert at; don't bullshit me or read from the textbook. Do your JOB. Thanks.

I talked to my district manager at Starbucks today about my boss screaming at me in front of customers last week. She's such a lovely woman. She was understanding and immediately was actively thinking of ways to ensure it never happens again, as well as steps to ensure my boss knows what he did was not appropriate in any sense and there will be severe consequences. Huzzah! I can't get stressed or upset about lack of hours anymore since the majority of my time now is spent at school/doing homework. As long as I don't spend money at school, what does it matter?

I don't know what else to talk about. I remember the days where I would write pages and pages every week. Do I miss those days or do I prefer it this way?